It's so extremely hard to be so upset, crying my eyes out and have no "legitimate" reason for it. It's hard when someone asks me what's wrong, or they think they know what's wrong, but no matter how hard I try to explain it, not even I know the answer. I've been in "freak out mode" or whatever you wanna call it for a few days now and it's just like this building pressure inside me. I feel a constant tightness in my stomach, dizzy a lot of the time, like I'm out of my body and like I literally will start crying if someone says the wrong thing to me. What's funny is... the "wrong" thing can be as simple as a joke. Something that I normally find hilarious, I will take personally and start crying my eyes out.
I know there are some thing that have been bothering me but it's nothing too major that for a "normal" person would make them this upset and for this long. My sleep is affected, my appetite is affected. It's like, I just have to sit here and wait for the feeling to pass. It's so annoying because no matter how hard I try to have fun and how much I try to smile and show the "real" me.. this anxiety cloud just takes over and covers up everything that is me.
The littlest things freak me out... having to get up in the morning is too hard.. having to make myself something to eat, having to walk my dog.. things that I know are easy and I know will make me feel better once I do them, I just can't get myself to do them half the time. And then, I start balling my eyes out because I can't do them. When I say I "can't", I know anyone who doesn't have anxiety won't be able to fully understand. But it's like.. I literally can't sometimes. Every day is a constant battle against myself and this anxiety. Sometimes I can handle it fine and other days it's just stronger than others. There doesn't even have to be a reason for it.
I used to be able to handle stress and I think I handled it a lot better than other people, but now.. it's just like any little tiny thing that stresses me out makes me cry and then I'm so exhausted from trying to be "normal" that I have to lay down, cry, take a nap etc.
It's so hard because I want to open up to people, but I'm so terrified that if they knew how much I really go through on a day to day basis (and like I said, sometimes I'm totally fine.. it just hits at the most random times), they wouldn't know what to do. I so badly just want to cry my eyes out to anyone sometimes.. and just get reassurance that it's going to be okay.. but then I'm so freakin' embarrassed that I just end up hiding in my room and crying.
I feel really bad for people around me a lot of the time, because I know that there's no way they can fully understand.. hell, I can't even understand most of the time.
Even writing this is just so exhausting.. and it seems so dumb and like I'm overreacting but that's the thing.. I'm honestly not.
For anyone who has anxiety, I just want you to know that you're not alone and we can get through this together. There's a wonderful site that has helped me TONS, and I'm going to give you guys the link again, in case you don't have it: www.anxietyzone.com.
I know I've asked for help and advice hundreds of times haha, but if you have any ideas on how I can get through this faze, that would be amazing!! I know I can do this.. I know I'm stronger than this anxiety but right now it just seems like it's taking over me. I don't wanna be around anyone because I'm so worried I'm going to freak out and they're not going to know what to do. It's so embarrassing to have the feeling that you could lose control of yourself at any moment. I'm not gunna lie... a lot of the time I feel crazy.. because any "normal" person should be able to control their emotions. Anyways, thanks for listening. Writing this helped!!
